Kinga

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There was this girl throughout lower school, let’s call her “Margaret” (I won’t be using actual names). Now Margaret didn’t really have any particular targets: she basically hated everyone equally.

But I was probably her favourite to pick on because I had the most-volatile reaction. She mostly just called people names, and at one point, her bullying got bad enough that one of my friends actually tried to intervene and he ended up becoming her next target.

This friend, we’ll call him “Dave”, will come up in a later story. But I am still grateful for Dave being selfless enough to take the blows for me.

Dave, if you ever read this, and you will probably know who you are, then thank you. Words can not describe my gratitude. But anyhow, this girl eventually left the school. I still stay in touch with her on Instagram (she has since changed radically as a person).

Now, at around the same time that Margaret left, which was in fifth grade, another girl showed up. We’ll call her “Janice”. Now, I was practically in love with this girl; I thought she was the most gorgeous person on earth. And personally, I think this is why she bullied me: because she knew that, no matter how terribly she treated me, I would never hold it against her.

In fact, for much of school, I had a crush on her. Unlike Margaret, however, Janice was not very-direct in how she bullied: she was more of the “gossipy” kind-of person. She would say things that would irritate me, both to me and to other people, and I simply put with it because I thought that, if I stood up to her, I’d never have a chance with her.

Eventually, I finally stood up to her, but I still hated myself for doing it. After I stood up to her, her favourite tactic for bullying me would be to say things really ticked me off just out of earshot. Of course, being the hothead that I am, I would yell at her, and the teacher, having only heard what I said, would yell at me for it.

One time, I successfully turned the tables on her by pulling this same manoeuvre. And let me tell you: I have never felt more satisfied. But anyway, at one point, I got her phone number and, after a while, confessed that I had feelings for her over-text, albeit very awkwardly.

She said she was dating another guy at the time, but that it was cute that I liked her. But of course, that burning curiosity in the back of my mind told me to investigate and figure out who this boy was. I asked around and found out that she wasn’t dating anyone. And that made me irate.

I proceeded to send several aggressive texts to her calling her out on it. She blocked me, of course, and the next day, she said she was gonna show it to one of her friends, who happened to be Dave. I protested to both her and Dave, but they would not relent. Now, on a Friday night dance, everything went to hell. I confronted Dave in person and took a photo of him and his date dancing without either of their permission and said: “Now you know what it feels like to have your privacy violated”. He punched me in the gut, and mind you, Dave is not a small guy.

He’s not taller than me, but he has quite a few pounds on me. He then tells me to leave. I slam him in the shoulders with both my fists and start hurling expletives at him. I leave, but a girl, let’s call her “Harriet” (and she’ll come up later as well), tries to start talking to me and getting me to apologize.

Now, I also had EXTREME beef with this girl at the time. I tell her that she’s only ever been a bully to me and that she ruins everything for me. She then starts trying to turn it into a pity party for herself, claiming that she was the victim of said bullying. Now, my already-enraged self goes ABSOLUTELY APESHIT on her.

I start calling her out on it, saying “You weren’t the victim! I was! And you never gave a shit about ‘Valerie’ (substitute name for my best friend) in the first place, so why are you acting as if you care now?!” This thing about Valerie relates to the fact that this girl slandered me to her over-text after she left the school, saying that I never cared about her (Valerie) because I didn’t bother to talk to her. Valerie knows that she’s practically like a sister to me, so she called Harriet out on it. But hearing that she said that about me to someone who was my best friend made me so mad, even if my best friend didn't believe it.

Now, back to the main story, so this Harriet girl starts crying and I storm off. Dave’s girlfriend tries to confront me and somehow manages to calm me down enough to get me to talk it out with Dave and Harriet. We talk it out and the dance ends just after that.

The next day, I have a DI (Destination Imagination) tournament, and since I have OCD, I’m still talking about the event and how Dave punching me in the gut was unwarranted. Now, Dave’s girlfriend is on the same team as me and starts blaming me for it, saying that I shouldn’t have taken the photo. I, of course, protest and say that he should still have enough impulse control not to punch someone over something like that (ironic coming from my mouth, considering I did the same thing out of -). One of the other team members’ parents overhears this and tells my parents, who later confronted me about it.

I burst into tears about it. Not from the event itself, but rather the embarrassment of my parents knowing it happened. Later, we talk to my psychologist and he suggests that she may have been joking as a means of egging me on. Now, of course, I naturally get mad over this because all this stupid shit happened for her own amusement and I fell for it. Later, I find out that she hasn’t been attending school because she attempted suicide. Now, on a side note, for about a good month or so prior, I had been taking Adderall for my ADHD, and was still taking it when this event happened.

That medication made me severely paranoid and emotionally-unstable and turned me into what I can describe as only a complete psychopath. I had been prescribed the medication before, about six years before this event happened, but my mother took me off of it because I became super-paranoid on it.

At the time of this event, they had fixed some of the side effects of Adderall, which was a new medication when I first took it, so my mother put me back on it to see if it worked better than Ritalin. But back to the story, due to the psychopathic effect this medication had on me, I could feel no sympathy for her.

In fact, my twisted mind thought she deserved what she got. Needless to say, I obviously realized after the event that she did not deserve it. But at the same time, while I was on Adderall, a part of me wanted to reach out and re-establish a connection. So, I think it’s safe to say that I had two personalities while on this medication: the raging psychopath and the empathetic sweet-talker (that last one will make sense in a second). So, I kept trying to get her to respond over text, even though I knew she blocked me.

In total, I probably sent over 89 texts and at least 2 attempted phone calls (yes, I counted) trying to get her to respond. My mother checks my phone later (she said she was gonna do this after she found out about the event). She deletes the phone number and tells me not to talk to her or about her. Now, my school life is also getting pretty rough at this point. Everyone knows about my former crush on her at this point, and I’ve also been going around and calling her all sorts of misogynistic slurs (which I still regret). At this point, I’ve become a full-on psychopath: I manipulated people into doing what I wanted by trying to sweet-talk them or, if that didn’t work, mercilessly - or guilt-tripping them. So, about two weeks after the incident at the dance, she comes back to school. Since this medication has made me so delusional, I thought that, somehow, she had changed as a person within those two weeks. But I was wrong. I forgot what exactly she said to me, but I remember that I just snapped and called her a b*tch in front of everyone. One of my close friends said he’d had enough and left class to tell the principal before returning. I asked him if he told her. He said no. So, class ends and I find a note on my locker saying to see the principal. And sure enough, he did tell her. During this whole visit with the principal, I kept trying to pinpoint the blame on my friend for turning me in but she kept trying to tell me that it was my behavior that was troublesome and that she wasn’t even sure that she could keep me at this school if it continued. Of course, being on this medication, I was not thinking rationally and couldn’t have cared less about accepting responsibility, so I snapped and started yelling at her. The principal also told me that, if I talked about Janice or to Janice, that I would face suspension. I ended up sitting in that office for two hours until my mother arrived. And let me tell you, I’ve never seen my mother so angry in my life. When I got home, I sat upstairs in my room for two hours and sobbed. Then, just to make that night an even-bigger pain in the ass, I had to go play in a band concert. That part, even off the medication, still makes me angry. So, I end up skipping the next few days of school to have enough time for the medication’s effects to ware off (she had just taken me off of it the night it happened). So, Friday morning, I happen to glance at my phone and find an Instagram DM from this girl that’s basically blaming me for everything that happened, even the stuff that wasn’t my fault. My mother notifies the school of this and helps me write a mature response (since I’m fuming mad at this point). She is told to stay away from me and I go back to school the next week. It’s now just two weeks to the end of the school year. This friend who reported me to the principal tries to re-establish his friendship with me, but I keep telling him to go away. Eventually, I get so sick of it, that I have the principal tell him to stay away from me. Long story short, we later became friends again, but it was very short-lived and we’ve had a falling-out and haven’t talked to each other in over a year and a half. Now, interestingly, this story with Janice doesn’t end on a completely-bad note. But I’ll get to that soon.

Wow, that was long. Now, onto the third incident: this is about the girl named Harriet. So, she seemed to think that we were competing for my best friend’s attention (even though my best friend is like my sister and this girl who was bullying me really didn’t seem to care that much about her in the first place). As a result, she would mercilessly - me, telling me that nobody loved me, that nobody would miss me if I died, and that I should just kill myself. And she didn’t even try to hide her douchebag behavior: she could literally scream at me in front of the whole class, and if I said so much as ‘leave me alone’, I was automatically assumed to be the bully and I got - by other people in the class. I tried more times than I can count to involve the principal, but nothing seemed to stop her. On top of that, she also frequently slandered me to my friends, physically-assaulted me (mainly hitting and kicking), called me all sorts of names (like a “constant annoyance” or a “spaz”), played the victim to get people to gang up on me when she couldn’t finish a fight, and would often personally seek me out and interrupt conversations I was having with people just to be a nuisance. Then, on top of that, she had the nerve to date one of my other close friends. Now, this is where I practically lose it. I tell him that he has no idea of the hole he’s gotten himself into and he has to break up with her ASAP. He starts blaming me for being bullied and me and him have a falling-out. Later, we become friends again, but I end up getting into a fight with him and his brother about his girlfriend again. I ended up flipping both of them before walking off and yelling “You’ll regret choosing her over me! Don’t come crawling back to me when the snake (her) comes to bite you!” This time, I had a valid reason to be angry: she had broken up with him for another guy and this guy didn’t want to date her. So, she came crawling back. AND HE LET HER BACK!!! LIKE, WHAT THE F*CK, DUDE??!! But anyways, so this girl, who has eroded my self-esteem over several years, had now managed to take control over everything I do. I have never felt so helpless, so angry, so desperate, and so wronged in my life. That night, I probably sobbed for a good hour or so. All the victim-blaming I had experienced… All the verbal -… It all came flowing to me. Then, it happened: I thought to myself: “Maybe she is right: maybe my life isn’t worth living.” So, I contemplated suicide. I never formulated a plan luckily, but I felt so desperate for the pain to end in that moment, that I thought that death was the only way to ever be free from the suffering. I knew something was wrong and asked a friend what to do. She said to tell my parents. And that’s what I did. My mother wasn’t nearly as supportive as I thought she would be: she basically yelled at me for talking about this girl (we’ve had several discussions saying that, by talking badly about her, I could get kicked out of school). My father was actually the supportive one: he tried to calm her down and said: “Let’s not focus on what he’s said about this girl right now: let’s focus on the fact that he feels desperate enough to end his life.” He told me that this girl shouldn’t have this kind-of power over me and that, if it was bothering me so much, that we should move schools. I still wanted to stay at my current school, which I ended up doing. Harriet tried to start a fight with me later on, but I was smart enough not to get suckered into it. Needless to say, I’ve been getting help and I haven’t talked to Harriet in a long time. That girl has never apologized for anything she’s said or done to me. Though, at the end of the day, I suppose I can’t make her do anything.

Now, the last story is probably the weirdest, and it requires a lot of backstory to make sense. I will admit ahead of time that I did some pretty shitty things in this story, as well as the others. But here it is. So, long story not-so-short, there was this girl, I’ll call her “Ashley”, who I had a crush on and had planned on asking her to go to an upcoming dance with me. Since I have REALLY bad social anxiety, I couldn’t work up the nerve to tell her in-person.

So, I crafted a note and planned on slipping it in or on her locker. The problem was that I couldn’t find her locker. So, I asked another girl who I was sort of close with at the time. We’ll call her “Kate”. So, I ask Kate if she knows where it is. Kate is actually kind enough to take it to her. Later, in class, Kate tells me that Ashley was so excited by the note, she almost started crying.

Now, for someone who has never had a girlfriend, and someone who isn’t exactly good with social queues, I thought this inevitably meant that she liked me back. So, we go to the dance. It was pretty fun, I will admit it. The one part I didn't like was that Harriet, the girl from earlier, tried playing third wheel to us, which, needless to say, was irritating. But, I didn’t really care that much.

I was enjoying the evening with Ashley. I initially planned on confessing my feelings to her at the dance, but because Harriet getting in the way, I never got the opportunity. So, at the beginning of the next week, I craft a note confessing my feelings to her and put it in her locker. I text her and ask her if she got it. She says yes and asks if we can talk about it after school. So, after school, I try to find her but to no avail. Of course, with my social anxiety, I begin to worry.

So, I write a note apologizing if I #Censor her out and slip it in her locker. The next day rolls around and… no response. So, I re-print the same note and put it in the locker so that part of it is noticeably sticking out so that she knows it’s there.

The next day, I notice it was gone but still, no reply. Finally, I text her and apologize and she asks to meet in person. The day afterwards, she tracks me down after school and apologizes for not getting back to me earlier and says that, although she doesn’t have feelings for me, she’d still like to be friends. I, of course, am fine with this. However, because of my low self-esteem from Harriet’s bullying, I had a tendency to constantly ask girls out, because I thought that getting a girlfriend would make me feel better about myself.

Obviously, I was wrong. So, in a period of about six months, I asked over eight girls. Plus one boy (I’m pansexual but am primarily attracted to females). However, Ashley didn't know about this until I found that the last girl I asked out in that period, we’ll call her “Betty”, was, unbeknownst to me, her best friend. Big mistake. What I hated most about this was that she was the first person I asked out in person. I spent hours fighting with myself about whether or not to do it.

On top of that, she sent mixed messages: she never really said “yes” but she never explicitly said “no”. I ask her the next day and she says that she was not interested in dating but that it will nice of me to ask. This is where the hailstorm starts. So, I try to contact Ashley after this happens. I just ask something along the lines of “How have you been recently?” since we haven’t talked in a while. I get no response. Not even a “read at (insert time)”. Ok. Kind of weird, but she has a tendency to take a long time to respond to texts.

So, it’s nothing out of the ordinary. Fast-forward to about two months later. I notice that her friend Betty has just disappeared off the face of Instagram. I start to wonder if she maybe blocked me. I try to contact Ashley again. No response. This is starting to get suspicious. After another two months of confusion as to why neither of them are talking to me, I email Betty via our school email and ask her if she blocked me on Instagram. She replies with “Yes. Don’t email me again.”.

I ask her why she did it because of my burning curiosity. No response. Then, I put two-and-two together: she blocked me because of me asking her out. So, I write an email apologizing for what happened but also call her out for being rude in the last email. You know what she does? In the reply, she basically insults my intelligence, tells me I don’t deserve respect, that I should take no for an answer, that I’m - her, and that she’ll involve the school if I email her again.

Now fuming mad, I basically write an email saying that she has no right to say she’s being - when she was the one who started it and that I can take no for an answer, and that she instead needs to learn forgiveness.

I get to school, still pissed out of my mind, and plan on writing an even-nastier email. A . next to me tried to reason with me by helping me understand why she said what she said (though it came across more as him enabling her bullying). He tells me: “You hurt her friend’s feelings and she doesn’t accept your apology.” I replied with: “The only reason her friend kept me around was that she liked the idea of me liking her but she didn’t actually like me.

She hurt her own damn feelings. And if Betty really wanted to say that she didn’t accept my apology, she would’ve just said it without being a douchebag about it.” One of Betty and Ashley’s friends, we’ll call her “Cathy”, overhears this conversation and pipes up, telling me not to talk about her friend.

I say something to the effect of: “You should follow your own morals before you enforce them on me: I know you and your friends have gone around slandering me. He was just talking with me about what happened. This is none of your business.

If your friend has a problem, she can come and talk to me in person.” Cathy replies: “The message you sent to her was #Censor.” I reply with: “Do you think I really give a f*ck about what you think about me? I don’t need your approval, so don’t give it to me.” She tells me to shut up. So, I tell her to shut the f*ck up.

This is right at the beginning of class. So, another girl comes up and asks me if I’m ok. I said yes, obviously lying. She says that if I need to talk to someone, I can come to find her. At the end of class, I confront Cathy about it and say: “I’m not #Censor.” She says: “Yes, you are.” I say: “Is it really so wrong that I should want to apologize for something I felt bad about?” She says: “Apologies for - her?” I said: “I didn’t , her.” She says: “You said in your email that you were looking for her Instagram but couldn’t remember the reason.” I said: “Yeah.

I don’t remember the reason, but that doesn’t make me a #####.” She says: “Uh-huh. Sure.” At this point, I’m so mad, I’m practically frothing at the mouth. I yell: “Yeah? Well, f*ck you! Nobody asked for your opinion, a**hole!” She says: “Then why are you talking to me?” I say: “Because you’re accusing of a serious crime! How the f*ck do you think I’d react to that?” I storm off to my next class.

Later, I email Cathy and say “Oh, perhaps you should know this, but I suffer from mental illnesses. Do you think that I chose to be born from them? Because if you do, you’re certainly not helping.”

Later, both she and Ashley block me on Instagram. Later, I get a text from the girl who’d asked me in class if I was alright earlier. She asks the same thing again. This time, I tell her about what happened and she lets me know that they’re just being hormonal and stupid.

Now, remember how I said the story with Janice didn’t have a completely-terrible ending? Well, guess who the friend that suggested I talk to my parents about my suicidal thoughts and the girl who asked me if I was fine turned out to be? Janice. That’s right.

The same girl who bullied me not even two years prior had turned around and helped when I was in need. Now, whenever I need to vent, I talk to her. She’s fine with it, though.

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